It is with grim satisfaction that we prepare to announce the discrete quanta of stage-based probing that have been selected to perform in The Brick Theater’s Pretentious Festival in June of 2007.
Many interlocuters will no doubt raise the query: how was this particular aggregation of spectacles designated for public exhibition? The full span of secrets regarding our process, in addition to causing severe bafflement for the vast majority of readers, are subject to intense proprietary protectiveness. However, we can allow you access to a few choice details of our modus operandi.
One of the first tasks executed was a close chemical analysis of the papers on which the applications arrived. If the molecular makeup of these sheets did not meet our exacting standards, the offending rags were picked up with magnesium tongs and deposited in a chrome wastebin.
More important was our examination of each application’s aura. The committee counted among its membership a licensed aura expert, who would sleep with each application under her pillow at night, offering a full report in the morning of what colors she dreamt of. An intricate spectral calculus ensued, which often spelled the difference between wholehearted embrace and sneering dismissal.
Finally, we questioned the contents of each application. We asked ourselves: would an average audience member pay hard-earned money to sit and watch this work? If the answer was no, the application had an excellent shot at being accepted.
Myriad other analyses and substantiations were exercised as we made our final decisions. As the artists’ grateful, cringing responses trickle in, we are preparing to post them en masse, for your discernment.