EXPOSURE (XVII): ICELANDAIR

To prove that our pretentious credentials have spread worldwide, we turn your attention to this dispatch from the frozen-yet-steamy North. I particularly enjoy their willingness to join in our fundraising efforts, though as of this writing we have yet to see króna one.

INTERROGATION (VII): MOTHER IS LOOKING SO WELL TODAY

Very few people have attempted to create Grand Opera in under one page; more probably should. So let us draw your attention to Cardium Mechanicum's Mother Is Looking So Well Today, a world-premiere performance appearing at the June 3 Brick-a-Brac that fits exactly that description, featuring music by Craig Lenzi, book and lyrics by Ed Valentine, and co-creation by Robin Reed. They recently called us from their analyst's couch to share some insights regarding their complex process.

What exactly makes your show so damn pretentious anyway?
Mother says Grand Opera is the most pretentious of all Art Forms, but she tells us we should ingest it frequently because it's good for us, like Brussels Sprouts.

Name some obscure influences on your work – extra points for unpronounceability.
Mother says the only opera for her is Classic Opera, and she "doesn't go for any of this modern hoo-hah." We rather like Modern Opera ourselves – the works of Vanderschnoot and Schkrotum, in particular - but Mother is extremely fierce in her opinions and we're all terrified to contradict her. You have no idea what this woman is like.

The late Roland Barthes once wrote "For the theatre one needs long arms; it is better to have them too long than too short. An artiste with short arms can never, never make a fine gesture." Explicate.
Mother doesn't like us to talk about arms because they remind her of hands, which make her very nervous. Mother says 'don't touch yourself.' That's very dirty and it makes Jesus cry.

In what ways do you plan on alienating your audience? Cite an intentionally opaque or confusing moment within your production.
The final lines of the libretto are in German. That's right: German.

Which other Pretentious Festival show will you declare as your sworn ideological enemy, and why?
Mother would never be Caught Dead at a theater festival (and in BROOKLYN, no less!) – so declaring any show a 'mortal enemy' is beneath her. Still, she's so offended by the title Between the Legs of God that she's written one of those Letters she's so infamous for. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Please give us the gist of the acceptance speech you would use were you to win one of our Pretentious Awards.
Our acceptance speech? All we're allowed to say is: "We'd like to thank Our Mother."

ILLUSTRATION (V)

If this photo doesn't receive captions, I'll hold my breath until my hair turns blue...

INTERROGATION (VI): THE SOPHISTICATES

When not incarcerated, Sirius radio host John DeVore writes plays. What kind of plays? Sophisticated ones. Like The Sophisticates, which opens on June 1. We caught up with John at a recent parole hearing to find out what he has to say about the Pretentious process.

What exactly makes your show so damn pretentious anyway?
It's not "pretentious." It is sincere. My play, The Sophisticates, is a profound work of art that nibbles at the nerve endings of the self-conscious, like a melancholy incubus with a liberal arts degree. While the other shows in the festival aspire to "pretentiousness," my show strives to molest the unknowable, and thereby, I hope to achieve artistic sublimity; I am happy to let my so-called "colleagues" rut in their collective creative feces, pining for validation from the press and the artistic elite, while I lurch, from the clutch of the metaphysical grave, to stroke the cheek of God

Name some obscure influences on your work – extra points for unpronounceability.
Jerzy Grotowski. Michel Foucault. Michael Gardner.

The late Roland Barthes once wrote "For the theatre one needs long arms; it is better to have them too long than too short. An artiste with short arms can never, never make a fine gesture." Explicate.
Long arms are important, especially if one's artistic cock is giraffe-like.

In what ways do you plan on alienating your audience? Cite an intentionally opaque or confusing moment within your production.
Once you are all dead, you'll understand how brilliant I was and am.

Which other Pretentious Festival show will you declare as your sworn ideological enemy, and why?
Hamlet is for fuckwads. Poeta nascitur, non fit.

Please give us the gist of the acceptance speech you would use were you to win one of our Pretentious Awards.
"John DeVore ... has asked me to tell you, in a very long speech which I cannot share with you presently—because of time—but I will be glad to share with the press afterward—that he must... very regretfully cannot accept this very generous award. And the reason for this being... are the treatment of American Indians today by the theater industry… excuse me… and on stage, and also the recent happenings at Wounded Knee. I beg at this time that I have not intruded upon this evening and that we will, in the future…our hearts and our understanding will meet with love and generosity. Thank you on behalf of John DeVore." – To be delivered by John DeVore's humble servant, RJ Tolan.

ILLUSTRATION (IV)

This one features Brick Associate Artistic Director Hope Cartelli, and is simply begging for a caption. Get to it, Pretentiouslings!

INTERROGATION (V): BETWEEN THE LEGS OF GOD

Art Wallace, writer/director of Between the Legs of God (opening Sat 6/2) is many things to many people, but mostly he is the deity of Squark-7, a sub-molecular civilization located beneath the nail of his left index finger (so much for the title of his show). Taking a break from his duties, he deigns to answer our questions.

What exactly makes your show so damn pretentious anyway?
I like to think of myself as a rebel, an outsider if you will. I go against the grain and don't find myself on the heavily trod path of mundanity. Like Fonzie I say, "Hey that's not cool," or "That is definitely not cool." I think you get my drift/meaning. So here I am, out here, avant, seeking the new and challenging not so easy way to reinvent the wheel... hell, I guess I just don't care what people say in their plastic worlds.

Name some obscure influences on your work – extra points for unpronounceability.
Billy Jack

The late Roland Barthes once wrote “For the theatre one needs long arms; it is better to have them too long than too short. An artiste with short arms can never, never make a fine gesture.” Explicate.
Could King Kong strike out Godzilla? Kong would have the advantage of a forty foot high strike zone. But it would be very narrow because of Godzilla's tiny arms. On the other hand, I can't picture Godzilla getting around on an inside low breaking ball. So I would say no, King Kong could not strike out Godzilla, and on top of that I would predict a walk to first or hit by pitch would be the most likely outcome of Kong's constant chin music. The only way I could be wrong is if Godzila would get excited and swing at the cheese.

In what ways do you plan on alienating your audience? Cite an intentionally opaque or confusing moment within your production.
The video projection of an entirely different play on top of the live play including canned audience and bows.

Which other Pretentious Festival show will you declare as your sworn ideological enemy, and why?
Interview With an Author or whatever it is called. I met this guy Matt, and he said hello to me and he seemed like a nice enough guy. And then I realized he was evil and wanted all other shows to fail. I don't know how I knew, I just knew. For the sake of all the other Pretentious Fest participants, I am sure God wants me to hate/thwart him and his "show." There I said it, it's on!

Please give us the gist of the acceptance speech you would use were you to win one of our Pretentious Awards.
I like to think of myself as a rebel, an outsider if you will. I go against the grain and don't find myself on the heavily trod path of mundanity. Like Fonzie I say, "Hey that's not cool," or "That is definitely not cool." I think you get my drift/meaning. So here I am, out here, avant, seeking the new and challenging not so easy way to reinvent the wheel... hell, I guess I just don't care what people say in their plastic worlds.

EXPOSURE (IV): TIME OUT BLOG

David Cote introduces the masses to our event at the Time Out blog today under the headline "For those who wouldn't be caught dead at a summer theater festival." Perhaps true, David, but we also wouldn't be caught dead presenting such OBVIOUS pretentious clip art as that which you used in your entry. Our own imagery is far too advanced for a populist rag like TONY.